What"s it like to journey shotgun v Sheen during "Two and a half Men"? because that starters, he says you uncover prostitutes after your divorce. And it doesn"t end there. Here, THR debuts an excerpt native the actor"s candid, funny new memoir, "So the Happened," that details Sheen"s crazy people of benders, porn, drugs, tantrums and also salary negotiations.

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This story first appeared in the march 27 concern of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.

To some, he’ll constantly be Duckie, the unlucky-in-love sidekick from john Hughes’ 1986 classic Pretty in Pink. To others, he’s Alan Harper, the unlucky-in-love brother to Charlie Sheen‘s lothario top top the Chuck Lorre-co-created sitcom juggernaut Two and also a fifty percent Men, which had its series finale Feb. 19. Now Jon Cryer opens up about who he yes, really is in So the Happened (out April 7 from brand-new American Library), a wry, self-deprecating and funny memoir that covers his 35-year job from getting cast in Torch track Trilogy on Broadway in 1983 due to the fact that he looked like Matthew Broderick (who had previously play the role) to being frozen the end by Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald during the do of Pretty in Pink come his Emmy-winning run on Two and also a half Men.


Cryer, who transforms 50 on April 26, to be born in brand-new York with theater in his blood — his parents, David and also Gretchen, to be Broadway actors. After graduating native the Bronx High college of science (and a summer studying Shakespeare at the imperial Academy of arts in London), he shot come fame through Pretty in Pink. Fifteen years of failure TV collection and just-misses (he nearly was Chandler ice on Friends, Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs and Daniel in The Karate Kid) followed before he got actors on Men. This exclusive THR excerpt choose up Cryer’s story during the show’s an initial season and then moves to the second season, once he was recently divorced and also Sheen’s marital relationship to Denise Richards had broken up, and also then moves to the drama of the saturday season. — ANDY LEWIS


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One day during the first season of Two and a half Men, I acquired a punch on my trailer door. It was Charlie — mine trailer was next to his — and he seemed panicked.

“Dude! Dude! I require your help.” “Sure thing,” ns said and ended the cellphone contact I was on. “What’s walk on?”

He handed me a heavy shopping bag. “Denise is comes over,” he said, “and I need you to hide something because that me.” Oh, boy, ns thought. If this is medicine paraphernalia …

“Is that legal?” ns asked. “What? Yeah, oh, yeah. It’s legal. Hey, thanks.” that left, and also I had to look.


By legal, he meant barely legal. The bag was filled to the brim v porn.

Curiosity acquiring the finest of me, I had actually to uncover out what type of porn captivates Charlie Sheen, what decadence frightens him into having actually me squirrel it away because that him. Clowns? Golden-shower pictorials? German scat porn starring federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke? i was prepared for the weirdest, but it really was all pretty tame, several of it just topless mags. Really, if this to be the worst I’d have to deal with concerning Charlie’s vices, bring on the bags the porn because that me to hide.

Even when I secretly hoped for a sighting that Sheen decadence, as as soon as we travel to ras Vegas to encourage the display by hobnobbing v CBS affiliates from roughly the country, ns was challenged by a pretty grounded, sober married guy. We landed in Vegas, and also I was prepared to acquire the Sin City tour from mine co-star. Instead, he went to his room and also took a nap. We confirmed up in ~ the party because that the syndicated stations, and then Charlie went ago to his room come sleep. Ns watched ours director, Jim Burrows, beat blackjack.

What occurred in las vegas didn’t have to stay in Vegas because it was boring as shit.

•••

When Charlie’s marriage to Denise ended during the 2nd season, both Charlie and I became solitary at the exact same time. Which to be … interesting.

We’d have actually conversations, and he’d point out that points were going well because that him romantically. “Romantically” is my choice of words, no his.

Then, as if to prove this, he’d show me a snapshot he’d bring away of somebody’s vagina. That was constantly a perfect nice-looking vagina, however I would certainly invariably think, “Why simply this, and also not the rest of the person?”

*

I went with an out-call because that my very first try, which way they come end to your house. My chosen vendor drove a white BMW and sported a sexy Finnish accent. The was yes, really a very friendly experience, maybe since the act of having actually sex is rather the conversational icebreaker. The next time, I visited her place, which most likely wasn’t really her place. We sat down, tried to make little talk and halfheartedly stumbled right into a conversation about recent fluctuations in the share market. Somehow I ended up security 25 minutes of my hour helping her through financial planning.


If Charlie’s example of his evening’s entertain was best exemplified through a picture of lady parts, mine would be a snapshot of me hunched over a table of papers and also telling a hot lady, “The genuine estate eight is building, you should diversify.”

My first opportunity come dip my toe into the nonprofessional pool of easily accessible women came shortly afterward. Rich, mine trainer, threw a party one night wherein I met an engaging, beautiful woman — one aspiring actress and comedian — and we hit the off. I asked she out, and before long we were date regularly. It felt great. I brought her to the collection and presented her to Charlie, who looked at her blankly.

“We’ve in reality met before,” she said. “I was a waitress in ~ La Moustache?”

“Right, right,” that said. “Hello. Nice to check out you again.”

A couple of weeks later, ns was sitting approximately on the set with a shit-eating grin on mine face and also a sense that mine life was coming earlier to an even keel when Charlie strolled over.

“What’s walking on? What’s v the smile?”

“Things space going good with Stephanie,” ns said.

“Hey, listen, us gotta talk. I’ve been talk to my therapist because I don’t understand if I must say anything. I’ve to be agonizing about this, dude, really. I … i don’t know just how to to speak this, however … Stephanie and also I supplied to date.”

“Oh?” ns said, mine grin suddenly replaced by other pursed and also worried. “Well, was it serious, Charlie?”

“No, no, no really.”

I can tell he to be trying come play this down for my benefit.

I tried to gather my train of thought with this brand-new information. “If I might ask, exactly how did you two break up?”

Charlie said, “Well, I wanted to bring another girl into bed with us, and she was no happy around that.” and also then he looked me right in the eye and with no map of irony, said, “So heads-up on that.” i went home that night and also broke up v Stephanie.

I when dated a striking netherlands singer that sheepishly admitted a couple of dates into our courtship the she was, in fact, a baroness. She said it the means you might murmur worriedly, “I offered to be a Shriner.” Now, that’s endearing. “I provided to bang your co-star” — that’s upfront information, ladies.

•••

*

I took the feeling of humor around shower rape and sharing Kobe Bryant‘s bail bondsman as a great sign, though it appeared pretty clean my friend and colleague wasn’t sober anymore. Us exchanged “Merry Xmas” texts, despite mine had actually a inquiry mark, come which Charlie texted back, I’ll take it!

Charlie’s manager, Mark Burg, referred to as me to say that any kind of statement of support I could offer up would be great. I told that I would be happy to however that the sounded favor Charlie wasn’t sober anymore, and also I hoped he’d gain on monitor again. Instances like this space rough on your sense of friendship and loyalty, because the allegations room serious, however you understand Charlie and Brooke room a drug-troubled pair, and also Charlie’s her longtime friend who was proud of his sobriety, however that doesn’t median he didn’t execute something come her, and also you should give a mrs the advantage of the doubt once she’s to be abused, and also oh, boy . . .

In February I gained a hit on my trailer door one day, and also it was chuck Lorre. I invite him in, and also he said, “Jon, can you speak to Charlie? ns hear he’s going off the rails.” chuck himself is a recovering alcoholic and open and honest about it. This to be such a sincere plea that i knew I had actually to take into consideration it. “I deserve to try,” i told him.

The following day, though, Charlie entered rehab, so we never got to have actually that conversation. Charlie did, however, have a various kind of fertile conversation — through Warner Bros. Despite falling off the wagon, a rocky marriage, looming felony fees and possible time behind bars, he managed to for sure a massive raise , totally three time what i was gift paid. I instantly began contemplating a collection of well-publicized drunken brawls in retirement residences or perhaps leading cops top top a destructive vehicle chase simply prior come my next contract negotiation.

•••

*

It was so it s too dirty backstage, I thought he to be going to concerned blows v someone.

I walked up to him and said, “What space you worried about?”

“All this assholes are gonna come, they’ll invest two hours providing me shit, and I’m simply gonna have to nod and also say yes. I’m tired of all the bullshit!”

“OK,” i said. “Then execute you want to offer them a reason right now to offer you even more shit, or execute you desire to buckle down and do the show?”

He looked me in the eye and said, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Things didn’t begin smoothly as soon as the present began. We did a scene through the two of us sitting top top a couch, and also Charlie screwed increase every line. He might not remember anything that was supposed to say. It was hard to comprehend what i was seeing due to the fact that Charlie had always prided himself on obtaining it excellent on display night. That was favor watching HAL walk haywire in 2001: A an are Odyssey.

Mark Samuels, ours assistant director who is the soul of diplomacy and quiet competence, said to Charlie, “Do you need a minute?” (Over the years, mark had acquired a courteous means of answering a irritable director’s “Where’s Charlie?” query. He’d say, “He’s to be invited.”)


Charlie paused, then said, “Wait a minute; just give me a second.” somebody handed him the pages, and as he talked about them, the remainder of us were extra­ordinarily uncomfortable. The audience was here, ~ all.

And climate a quite astonishing thing happened. On take it two, Charlie fully nailed it. Every beat. Every line. When he absolutely had to focus, that did. It to be a strange and also impressive point to behold.

Instead the sticking approximately after the taping, however, Charlie decided to go out, tho in full makeup, acquire in his car and have his driver take him home. The left Bruce Rosenblum and Peter Roth just standing through his trailer. And with that, we all embraced that something was truly broken here, the Charlie couldn’t it is in counted on to also go v the motions anymore. The was the last illustration of Two and also a half Men Charlie would ever shoot.

•••

*

The net was boiling v anger around Charlie’s dismissal. Predictably, there to be those that were angry because they feel it had actually been method too late, the his alleged crime demanded this activity long ago, however surprisingly there were likewise those who felt it to be unjustified. An astounding variety of people stood up because that Charlie, as though human being should have the ability to show up to work-related rarely, if in ~ all, verbally abuse their co-workers publicly with anti-Semitic slurs, gain arrested top top a continual basis — and also abuse medicine to the point where they deserve to barely duty — and also not have their high-paying jobs threatened. They command their fury at chuck but also at me, with thousands of comments around how I’d betrayed Charlie, that i was a “homely fag” and that they’d never ever watch a display with me together the lead. Together ridiculous and horrifying as those sentiments were, that was impossible for me no to feeling their effect.

America’s faceless corporations didn’t acquit themselves specifically well, either. They started clamoring to capitalize top top the marketing opportunity that Charlie’s epos flameout to be presenting. Ustream offered him a webcast platform to proceed his rants in a monetized worldwide fashion. Live country immediately readily available him millions to walk on a phase tour throughout the U.S., which the christened his “Violent Torpedo of Truth.”

I knew the Charlie, while being a gifted actor and a remarkably smart man, didn’t have actually the slightest f—ing idea just how to placed on a live phase show, even when the wasn’t loaded, yet I figured the must have at least one human in his retinue of managers and hangers-on that knew what they to be doing. Turns out i was wrong. His first couple of dates resembled exactly what happens once a bunch that assholes litter money at a medicine addict to make him dance choose a monkey.

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A curious phenomenon to be bubbling up in the media as well. Entertainment society had end up being so stultifyingly repetitive and also predictable that Charlie’s antics felt favor a breath of new air. To some authors, commentators and also bloggers — seemingly intelligent world — he was a rebel, a reality teller ready to punctured his master in the eye. They safeguarded his baleful screeds. (I’m looking in ~ you, Bret Easton Ellis.) of course, Charlie wasn’t those things. The was merely lashing the end at the world who told that the party was over. The he was actually simply a human being v a significant drug dependency mattered much less to the pundits than his worth as something come write about to alleviate their cumulative boredom. The fact that the could really well be dead shortly was no their concern. In fact, it’d just offer them an ext to create about.

Charlie was never ever an insurrectionary guerrilla fighting the established order. He was a man who got every little thing he had ever wanted from it. He also texted somebody at the show once, I think they gave the wrong male too lot money.