Powerhouse stand-up chris D"Elia takes new Orleans through storm in his very first one-hour stand-up special. British dudes, drunk girls and also bears top top romantic days at Applebee"s. Hey, why is it the we room the only varieties that renders love, anyway? chris D"Elia describes the hilarious reality and more in this dynamic new special.
Man: ♪ damn, damn, cursed ♪♪ feeling my flow, act prefer you don’t know ♪♪ yet you do, it’s chad smith ♪♪ who room you? ♪♪ Come with the door, and also the party because that sho ♪♪ can feel mine flow, this is how I role ♪♪ why do some dudes have much more bitches? ♪♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪♪ after that, does the hurt? ♪♪ and also make it jerk ♪♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪♪ Something prefer every night ♪
♪ that’s what I perform ♪♪ quick hair ~ above a bitch is cool ♪♪ we’re changing a little bit ♪
D’Elia: What’s up?! give thanks to you because that coming out here, man. Brand-new Orleans — all right, this is awesome, man.
D’Elia: Yeah, man. Careful with that, man.
people in new Orleans are constantly drunk. all the time. It’s like 11:00 in the morning, and also people are similar to “whatever! “Drink it. Let’s carry it outside. We have the right to drink outside, man.” people get drunk, man. Dudes acquire drunk. Nobody gets more drunk than a girl, man. yeah, girl get method drunker 보다 dudes. Yeah. No, it’s true. Girls gain drunk. “hey, you recognize what? Uh, pardon me. Uh…”
I always knew when my ex would certainly get way too drunk ’cause she would always say this. “guess what? You carry out the math.” like, “yo, i did the math. Eight shots equates to too many.” “yeah, exactly, exactly. So, uh, what’s your point? What’s your point?” “exactly, yeah. Exactly!” one drunk girl, I have the right to handle. I can’t handle an ext than one. Girls obtain drunk when they’re together, it’s means worse. They’re favor voltron. Their powers are much stronger when combined. “yeah, I’ll type the head. Whoo!” girls acquire drunk, man, lock act prefer it’s one accomplishment. They’ll have one too many drinks and be like, “we do it!” “whoo! we did it! us made it! Ooh, ooh!” “da-da!” what did friend make? friend made a stupid of yourself, is what you made. Girl get drunk, man, and also they don’t also know what they’re talking about. They think lock do. “hey, get guess? girlfriend don’t even know — you recognize what is it?” “excuse me. Wherein — where room you going? girlfriend don’t recognize what that is it?” “yeah, you don’t know what is is the what the is? O-o-h!” “excuse me. speak it? “What it is, isn’t it worth saying? “ Barack Obama. Is the what it is?” “Yeah. Yes, exactly. It doesn’t also matter. That doesn’t even matter.” nothing problem to a drunk girl in ~ all. nothing! You’d it is in like, “yo, there’s a crocodile right alongside you.” “uh, pardon me. I have a inquiry for you.” “uh, is it her crocodile?” “no, exactly.” they’ll just add to it. “you’re afraid that it’s gonna take your job. “Is that what that is? “Are you fear a crocodile is gonna take your job? “Hello, that doesn’t also have trousers on. “You can’t — just how many world have no pants v a job? friend can’t.” you’re like, “do you also need me because that this conversation?” “no, i don’t require it. “I don’t require it. I’m an elevation woman. “I don’t require you! ns don’t need your help. “I just sit here. The pair of shoes on my feet. Ns bought them. Ns don’t care.”
“You don’t understand me. “You — you’re saying that you understand me, “all of the friends around. if you — hey.” “you’re saying that you ‘know’ me “with all the friends around. “No. “you know? ” hey, drunk girls are the only civilization on the world that can virtually throw up and not care around it at all. right? If you’re a dude and also you almost throw up, you know “game over” immediately, right? You’ll it is in like, “hey, bro acquire my things!” “ nobody move! remain where friend ” girls don’t perform that. Girls don’t care at all. Girls just be like… “hey where space you going?” “ “ this is my song!”
“ “I love this song! “ i love Rihanna, i love Rihanna! “ I’m Rihanna! I’m her! ” you’re like, “yo, you practically threw up.” “it doesn’t also matter.” girls acquire that drunk. Dudes don’t. Dudes don’t gain that drunk, man. Girls obtain drunk, and they’ll run around. Dudes get drunk, they just sit down, right? That’s a dude move. A dude will have one too many drinks and just be like, “hey, you recognize what i mean? Um, every right, forget it.” “you understand what ns mean? “I dislike this party. Screw this party. I hate this party.” they’re not also at a party. Just “everybody out! Now! I want everybody out! Out!” they’re alone in your bed. “Get out!” “everybody, out. Let’s walk get rapid food now.” that’s the move, man. That’s — all my friend will gain drunk, and then at the end of the night, they desire to get rapid food. That’s a move, man. However I’m never an ext annoyed than when I’m at the drive-through, and there’s drunk people in the backseat, right? It’s therefore annoying, man, ’cause they constantly order much better than you. You recognize what ns mean? Like, an initial of all, it’s easy. I obtained it. Second of all, I’m the sober one, so you relax, okay? There’s always somebody in the back just like, “hey, obtain me a seven. I want a seven!” “I want a — tom, tell the man I want a seven. “Tell the guy. Hey, you, call him come tell the male I desire a seven.” “shut up. Closeup of the door up.” “what? Why would I be quiet? Why? “You know what? “Maybe if i didn’t want a seven, then I’d be like… “But i do. “ ns do. I desire a seven.” “shh! be quiet.” “what?” “I already ordered the seven. “If you order the seven, then we’re gonna gain two sevens. Ns don’t want 2 sevens.” “I don’t want two sevens. “I desire one seven, okay? “Maybe if i wanted 2 sevens, ns would acquire a 14, okay? “But ns don’t. “ “I don’t want that. You perform the math. Ns don’t desire that. I want a seven!” “be quiet.” You’re not also at the drive-through yet. You’re in ~ a red light on canal street.
She’s screaming in ~ a Kinko’s through the window rolled up. “I want a seven!” “be quiet!” and why is there constantly some jerk sitting alongside her that’s just like, “seriously, bro, just get her a seven”? “I hate this party. Anyone out.” Girls obtain drunk favor that, man. You ever before see a girl gain so drunk that looks choose she goes earlier in time for three seconds? That’s a move girls have. They’ll just be like, “hey!” “where am i? Oh, I’m still here. It doesn’t even matter.” yeah, girls don’t make sense. You never know — once they’re drunk, girlfriend never understand what the hell they’re talk about, but, also, when girls space not drunk, you never recognize what the hell they’re talking about, man. Yeah!
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s true. This one’s like, “no. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s not.” It’s not? It’s not? Yeah, the dude’s with her. He’s like, “it’s not, man. It’s not.” “it’s not, honey. It’s not.” yeah, girls carry out — girls do simply talk, though. See, best there. Girls love chiming in, right? no one likes chiming in an ext than a girl. Girl will simply be like, “you understand what else?” and you’re like, “yeah, yeah. What?” “I don’t know. Just, like, what are you males talking about?” Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. Girls prefer to use words — sometimes they don’t also know what the hell they’re talk about. Like, the words that they use, they’re not even in the best place. Girls choose words that they like and also then simply run v it. Girls space on some brand-new thing whereby they’re calling everything random. Girls will certainly say something’s random, it’s not also random. A girl will be like, “oh, mine god, you’re put on a jacket. That’s for this reason random.” It’s no random. It’s winter. You recognize what i mean? yeah, you recognize what would be random? If it wasn’t winter, i was tho wearing a jacket, and also then ns ate a monkey. That would certainly be random.
I had a girl tell me the various other day this. She said, “you recognize what? You text me at the most random times in the day.” i was like, “really? once are those times? Like, once are arbitrarily times that happen throughout the day?” She to be like, “I don’t know. It’s just random whenever you text me, god.” ns was like, “yeah, however tell me once those random times space so I have the right to text friend the other times, yeah?” This is what she struggle me with. She said, “I don’t know. “Whatever’s random to one person isn’t necessarily arbitrarily to the next.” like, yo, you can’t just comprise a saying favor you’re Yoda, and then the conversation’s over. You got to typical something once you talk, and don’t tweet a picture of a salad. That’s the main allude I’m make the efforts to obtain at.
Girls do just use words. Sometimes they usage phrases. Castle don’t even think around what they mean. Here’s something typical a girl would say when you’re do the efforts to have actually sex v her. This is something a girl says frequently when you’re make the efforts to acquire her into bed. She’ll go choose this. “Um, hello, you can’t handle this.” “uh, excuse me. Girlfriend think girlfriend can’t handle this? No, girlfriend can’t handle this.” yo, ns can! what are you talk about? It’s just sex. I’ve had it six times before. Ns know just how it goes down. yo, ns go within you. 4 1/2 Minutes, it’s over. That’s what happens, man. Yeah, I end up emotion good. You feel type of okay. That’s what happens, man. What do you average I can’t take care of it? You’re acting like once I slip within you, the s.w.a.t. Team is gonna burst with the door and arrest mine ass. Ns couldn’t take care of that. Guess: v what? That would be random.