You are watching: Chris rock bring the pain transcript
How are you? Washington! D.C., coco city! That’s right! house of the Million man March! That’s right, the Million male March! That had actually all the type of black leaders there! Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson), Marion Barry … Marion Barry … at the Million males March! exactly how did he get the ticket? It to be a work of positivity! how did he gain it? Marion Barry at the Million man March, do you know what that means? It way that also in our finest hour we had a crackhead on step! Yes, boo every you want, however you recognize I’m right! exactly how the hell did Marion Barry gain his task back? he smoked crack and got his job back. Exactly how the hell did that happen? If friend get caught smoking cracked at McDonald’s friend can’t gain your task back! That’s right, they are not gonna to trust you about their Happy Meals! They’ll send your ass come Hardee’s.
He acting crack and got his job! I want to know who was so … who ran against him the they lost? that was so poor they shed to a crackhead? What to be their campaign like? were they, like, on heroin? “Vote because that me!” “Vote because that me! Don’t vote for crack, poll for smack!” Marion Barry… come on, just how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high… when their market is top top crack? “Don’t get high. You won’t it is in nothing.” “I could be Mayor!”
Crack is everywhere, crack anywhere … you recognize what lock say? “Crack is damaging the black color community.” “Crack is damaging the ghetto.” Yeah, prefer the ghetto to be so nice prior to crack! they say the sh!t prefer everybody had actually at the very least a mansion, a yacht and also a swimming swimming pool … … climate crack came by and dried it all up!
I think we constantly focus top top the negative side of cracked … constantly on the an adverse side that crack. What about the an excellent side of crack? What around the beauty of crack? What around the great things the crack has lugged into ours minds the were no there before? execute you recognize what the good side of cracked is? If you’re up in ~ the appropriate hour you can acquire a VCR for $ 1.50! You have the right to furnish your whole house for $10.95. Why? due to the fact that of crack!
Sh!t … at Christmastime, have actually you ever bought somebody a cracked gift? castle think you’ve obtained them something. Prefer “Oh, you have to not have!” “I didn’t!” Bought indigenous a crackhead!
I think castle should simply legalize crack. Legalization it. Execute you understand why I desire them to legalization crack? simply so my friends’ mothers deserve to have something to brag about. “You know, Ron has got his very own crack home now! Johnny’s got his own crack house. Once I drive by …: ‘That is my baby’s crack home right there’ Hey guys, run on!
Legalize, man. Every drugs need to be legalized, all! Why? civilization want to gain high. That’s right. People think about getting high ideal now. Civilization are like: “Damn, how much much longer is the show?” world love to get high! You can get to escape of every illegal medicine in the world and also it won’t typical sh!t. People want to gain high. If you remove all the crack, all the heroin, every the blow, you understand what will happen? world will just think of brand-new ways to get high! That’s right, guys will go to your basement and also become scientists and say, “Check this out, check this out!” “You know, if you acquire a baby’s bottle, right? to fill it up with a little gasoline, dead llama beans and then sucking it. You will be f*cked up!”
That’s right! currently we’ve obtained the war on drugs. Bullsh!t! The war on drugs is bullsh!t, the is the way to get an ext motherf*ckers in jail, that’s all it is … yes! That’s all it is! The drug dealers don’t really market drugs. The drug dealers … sell drugs! I’m thirty year old, ain’t nobody ever before sold me drugs. Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room part drugs! You ever in her life no thinking about getting high and somebody offered you part f*cking drugs? Hell, no! The medicine dealers offer: “Hey man, you want some smoke, you desire some smoke?” You to speak “No”, that’s it! Now, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, on the other hand … Sh!t!
No, man, medicine dealers don’t market drugs: drugs offer themselves. Crack is not an encyclopedia, not a f*cking vacuum cleaner! friend know, girlfriend don’t yes, really gotta shot to offer crack, OK? I never ever heard a cracked dealer go, “Man, exactly how am ns gonna remove all this crack?” “It’s simply piled increase in my house!”
That’s right, man! i don’t f*ck around. I don’t carry out no drugs. Ns don’t acquire high at all. Probably the main reason why i don’t f*ck roughly is my large brother. Huge brother. Junkie alcoholic! yet doesn’t eat pork, ’cause “pork’s not great for you!”
People are full of sh!t, man. Human being who shooting heroine, and also they go: “You know, red meat can kill you!” What execute you average “red meat deserve to kill you”? just in America we say part bullsh!t choose “red meat can kill you.” We’ve got too much food in America. Too lot food! “Red meat have the right to kill you”? civilization are starving anywhere the world! What perform you mean, “Red meat will certainly kill you”? No, no no! Don’t eat no red meat? No. Don’t eat no green meat, ok? What space you talking about? friend know, if friend are one of the chosen couple of people ~ above this planet who is lucky sufficient to obtain your hands on a steak: bite the sh!t out of it!
Too much food in America! We’ve got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole people that makes human being feel negative for gift fat. The only country in the totality world. Human being are starving anywhere the world. You’re fat some location else, world are like: “Damn, how did you execute that? “That’s amazing! ns gotta hang through you! “Oh, friend think you space ??? fat ass?” I placed on some weight, we’re gonna hang! “
Too much food in America, man! We’ve gained so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergy to food! Hungry human being aren’t allergy to sh!t! So do you think anybody in Rwanda’s gained a f*cking lactose intolerance?
Now we’ve obtained some world who don’t eat pork, what the f*ck is the sh!t about? girlfriend don’t eat pork! girlfriend don’t eat pork! Some world don’t eat pork for spiritual reasons. I think it’s dumb sh!t—nothing against religion—but i refuse to believe that top top Judgement Day mine diet is going come come right into question, OK? What you eat has acquired sh!t to carry out with who you room as a person, ok? “Hey God, I killed a bunch of youngsters … but I eat right!” No! the ain’t gonna help, man. No.
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You see, civilization don’t realize the religious publications were written by men. Males wrote everything. Men wrote the Bible, males wrote the Koran, guys wrote the Torah, all that sh!t composed by men. Hundreds of years ago, before … friend know, like, 5000 year ago, prior to there were the DOMOPACK, prior to there to be refrigerators, before there to be freezers, prior to there to be seasoning, a pork chop can kill you! That’s right. One drop: “Aaaah!” Dead! however times have actually changed. That’s right, girlfriend see, times have actually changed. People, you know, 5,000 years back were like, “Damn, this pork is killing everybody!” “How can we get civilization to not eat pork?” “Ok! Tell lock God said, don’t eat it.” and also everybody said, “Okay, God said, don’t eat it.” and they stopped eating it. Yet times have actually changed. Now we’ve obtained refrigerators, we’ve gained freezers, we’ve gained some cellophane wrap, we’ve acquired aluminum wrap! currently a pork chop is your friend! That’s right, if you space starving, a pork chop will conserve your life! Sh!t, i eat a pig’s ass, if cooked right!
My household is from the South. You know, people from the southern love some pork. No issue what you eat under South, they’ve gained some pork in it! “Hey, this is a an excellent fish, what kind of fish is it?” “Pork fish!” You recognize what the nastiest component of pork is? Pig feet. Pig feet that’s been sitting inside an old jar, the exact same jar it’s to be sitting in because I to be 14 year old! and pig feet room floating roughly in the liquid, the brown beige rust fluid … What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss? and people actually pick out the pig feet “No, no that one, the other one …” prefer there is any type of difference in between different sh!tty pig feet! “No, offer me the one, the one with the nail in it! ” no that one through athlete’s pig foot!”
A most stuff walking on this year… no everything’s gyeongju this year. What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell! “He should run! He might win! Colin deserve to win, he have to run!” Can’t win! Colin Powell can’t win! Colin Powell’s gained a better chance of winning the bronze in woman gymnastics … … to gift the president of the joined States. Obtain the f*ck out! White world ain’t vote for Colin Powell! They speak they are, but they are not! Ok? This ??? soup his head off, do him operation ???? killed for trying to run. Sh!t, Colin Powell! White human being say they’re gonna vote for him due to the fact that it seems like the right thing come say. It just seems favor a cool point to say: “Yes, I would vote for him …”
It just seems choose the right thing come say, similar to when you ask someone if they want to be an organ donor. They constantly say “yes” … but nobody desires to it is in an organ donor! Nobody, it simply seems prefer the best thing to say. Sh!t, body organ donor is for civilization with no faith at all! you know, what if they established a method to carry you earlier from the dead? now I have actually no eyes! Ain’t this a b!tch! earlier from the dead and I can’t watch sh!t! “Mom, I’m back! Mom, where space my eyes? “You provided them to a small boy in Idaho? “Now ns will have to kill him to obtain my eye back!”
Colin Powell can’t be president! you know just how I could tell Colin Powell can’t be president? at any time Colin Powell is on the news, white people constantly give that the same compliments. Constantly the very same compliments! “How carry out you feel around Colin Powell?” “He speak so well!” “He’s so well spoken!” “He speak so well!” “I mean, he really speaks well!” “He speaks so well!” choose that’s a compliment! “Speaks so well” is no a compliment, OK? “Speaks so well” is part sh!t friend say about retarded civilization that can talk! What do you mean “He speak well”? What, he had actually a punch the other day? He’s a f*cking educated man! just how the f*ck perform you expect him come sound, dirty motherf*cker? What space you talk about? “He speak so well …” What space you talking about, “he speak so well” What voice were you looking come come out of his mouth? What the f*ck walk you expect him to sound like? “I’m a-drop me a bomb today!” “I’ll it is in pres-o-dent!” gain the f*ck outta here!
Now they’re telling that Colin Powell should run for vice president. Carry out it for his country. F*ck the country, sh!t! he ain’t gonna run with the guy he could beat. That ain’t gonna run through f*cking Dole. He might beat Dole! They just act therefore a black color man have the right to do something that f*cking stupid. Run v a guy he could beat. Acquire the f*ck out of here! castle won’t plot so white guy won’t carry out no sh!t choose that! They’re no gonna asking Al Gore to run through Al Sharpton, no!
Get the f*ck out of here, man! Vice-President … you recognize what? the ain’t gonna happen! As lengthy as you live you ain’t ever before gonna see no black color vice president. No while the chairman is white! oh no, you will never see. Do you recognize what castle say, “never say never”? i say never! you will never ever see no black vice president. No while there’s a white president, and you understand why? ‘Cause some black man would simply kill the president, that’s why! Sh!t, I’d perform it! If we had actually a black color vice president ideal now, I could not have waited to kill the president! Sh!t! currently what’s gonna happen? What’re friend gonna girlfriend do, placed me in jail with a bunch of black guys? they’ll treat me prefer a hero because that the remainder of my life. Sh!t, even if they had a fatality penalty, what would certainly happen? Skipped off (???) by the black president! I would certainly be the biggest star in the history of jail! it is in signing autographs, “97/KY” here you walk! Sh!t, if I would be in jail men would come in ~ me: “Yo, Chris, Chris, yo, man! i hope my youngsters turn out to be just like you, man! “You know, i was obtaining ready come rape you until I realized who you were!” Oh, they will certainly rape friend in jail, boy!
See, the totality damn nation is so damn conservative. Everybody says: “Jails ain’t challenging enough. Jails ain’t tough enough.” “We gotta have the fatality penalty. Jails ain’t difficult enough.” Jails are f*cked up, ok? Don’t believe the hype. The problem is … The factor jails space so overfilled ’cause life is f*cked increase too! world are broke, people are starving, life … … Sh!t! Life is recording up to jail! Sh!t, if friend live in one old project, a new jail ain’t the bad! Sh!t, I’ve watched top top HBO they had a unique on: The prison Special. A pair of month ago. Now, typically when you watch a special about jail, it’s on continual TV and there is a many sh!t lock don’t show. Oh, not the HBO jail Special! Oh, they showed it all. They interviewed a brother and also ???: “Sir, once a new inmate comes in and also he wants some drugs, exactly how do girlfriend initiate him?” The guy goes, ‘Well, the first thing I perform is do him toss mine salad! ” The guy is like: “Toss my salad? What is that?” “Having her salad tossed method having her asshole consumed out v jelly or syrup. “I prefer syrup!” I’m no making this up! and also then the male says, ‘Why have to you go through all that, why not just oral sex? ” and also he goes: “Well, when a man’s sucking your cock he have the right to pretend that’s something else.” “When he’s licking ass, he to know it’s ass!” i tell you (???)! we don’t need the death penalty! We’ve acquired the toss-salad men! Sh!t, if I had a selection right now between the electrical chair and tossing a salad … I’d be like: “So where are you plugging in? “Shouldn’t ns be wet?” anyone says: “Oh, schools are the end of control, they room out the control, “We require prayer in the schools.” We do not need prayer in school! We require the toss-salad guys in school! That’ll straighten the kids up! “Hey Jimmy, you’ve acquired a D. You know what you gotta do?” “Noooooo! Nooooo! I will not toss the salad! I will not!” “I will read! ns will find out to read!”
A most racial sh!t this year … A lot of racial sh!t: what is the large thing? O.J. <O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder charges> O.J. To be big. That’s right. Black people too happy, white human being too mad. The white civilization like: “That is a bullsh!t!” i ain’t checked out white civilization that nasty due to the fact that they cancelled “M.A.S.H.”! Black civilization ???: “Yes, we won, us won! Yes! us won!” What the f*ck did us win? Every day ns look at the mailbox because that my O.J. Prize: nothing! Nothing! “That to be all around race.” that sh!t wasn’t about race. The sh!t was around fame! If O.J. Wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail best now. If O.J. Journey a bus, … If O.J. Drove a bus, that wouldn’t also be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the Bus driving Murderer. They all go: “Oh, the jury to be so stupid.” obtain the f*ck out of here, man! “It’s therefore stupid, how did lock …?” White people would have actually done specific same sh!t, OK? The precise same sh!t! since if that was Jerry Seinfeld tried with double murder and also the only human being that found the bloody glove occurred to it is in in the country of Islam … Jerry’d be a free man! and eating cereal right now. <Seinfeld is recognized for his love because that cereals> Now, let’s operation down the case. Who’s the guy, Ron Goldman? (Other ex-football player, that was killed along with wife the OJ Simpson) that was her boyfriend. Don’t it is in mistaken thinking there was some man returning the glasses, right? once was the critical time you forgot part sh!t in ~ the restaurant and also they lugged it earlier to your house? Sh!t, I desire to eat there! Sh!t, you can leave a newborn baby in a restaurant and they’ll placed him in the coat room! second of all, he was well-known to drive around town in this Ferrari that O.J. Had actually bought for her. Think about this sh!t. I buy friend a car and also you’re gonna let another man drive around in mine car? space you out of her f*cking mind?! Sh!t! God! You’d far better recognize … Sh!t, ns don’t also have a Ferrari, however if I observed somebody driving in mine Pinto … … the sh!t would blow choose in the Godfather! I’m no saying that should have actually killed she … … but I understand!You understand what else? O.J. To be paying $ 25,000 a month in alimony. $ 25,000! 25! $ 4000 a month because that food! for food! What the f*ck to be she eating for 4 grand a month? ns guess she’s like: “I gotta get some extra cheese on my waffles (???)!” Yo women y’all got it an excellent … when it’s time to obtain a divorce, women acquired it made. They go to court, start talking part sh!t (???): “Your Honor, I’m used to this, I’m used to that, I’m accustomed come this …” Yo, what the f*ck is “accustomed”? What’s that got to do with sh!t? Hey, you go to a restaurant, you’re accustomed to eating. You leave, you ain’t eating no more. Castle don’t owe you a steak! Now, ladies go to court, speak that sh!t: “Your Honor, I’m supplied to this, I’m used to that, I want some money, give me part money!” and they obtain the money! What about what the males are used to? What about what the men are accustomed to? That might not be money. Yet during the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed come a few things. Now, we’d love to see a man go come court and also say, “Your Honor, inspect this the end ‘… “I’m accustomed come f*cking her four times a week … “Now ns think i should be able to f*ck she at the very least twice a week! “I mean, she have the right to have her alimony. But I desire some p*ssy payment!” Am ns wrong? (???) That’s, right, man, sh!t! that alimony that’s what made OJ crack! that alimony! She’s paid the big-ass alimony, that ain’t scored a touch-down in two decades … That’s right, need to have had actually a prenup. That’s right, a prenuptial agreement. Everybody demands a prenup. World think you gotta be affluent to obtain a prenup, oh no! You’ve got 20 million and also your wife desires 10? big deal, you ain’t starving. However if you make 30 000 … and also your wife wants 15 … … You can have to death her! Sh!t! “Sh!t, ns ain’t going come move earlier with mine mama ’cause friend ain’t in love! “You’re gonna have to die!” So girlfriend gotta think about OJ’s situation.: (He’s paying) $25,000 a month (in alimony), another man’s driving approximately in his car and f*cking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Currently I’m no saying the should have actually killed her… … but I understand!
You recognize who i feel for ??? ns feel for more than everyone else, man? ??? come O.J. And Nicole to f*ck off, man. Perform you recognize who ns really feeling for, that I feel for an ext than anyone else? Ike Turner! You recognize what? ‘Cause Ike to be the king the the woman-beaters till OJ took his title! currently Ike says: “Hey, I might have killed Tina! “What about me? What blood’s gained to execute with it?” (reference come Tina Turner’s “What’s Love gained To perform With It”) That’s the large thing now, residential abuse! That’s the large sh!t in ’96, residential abuse!