Legendary comedian Dave Chappelle is back with an all-new stand-up comedy special, rod & Stones, his 5th Netflix Original.

You are watching: Dave chappelle sticks and stones transcript


*

Sticks & Stones is Dave Chappelle’s 5th Netflix special.In the advancement trailer Morgan Freeman narrates together Chappelle swaggers across a salt flat in leather pants, aviator shades and also a remarkably long t-shirt.

This is Dave. He speak jokes for a living. Hopefully he makes human being laugh, but these days it’s a high comb game.

Hmm, just how did we get here, ns wonder? i don’t average that metaphorically, I’m really asking: how did Dave obtain here? ns mean, what the crap is this?

But what execute I know? I’m simply Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, i guess what I’m trying to say is if you say anything… you danger everything. Yet if it is the means it’s gotta be—okay, fine, posesthe it!

Ahahah, he’s ago folks!

Sticks & Stones streamed august 26, 2019 on Netflix.

“TELL ME SOMETHING’

YOU MOTHAFUCKASCAN’T phone call ME NOTHIN’

I’D quite DIE THANTO hear TO YOU…”

—KENDRICK LAMAR,PULITZER prize WINNER

“I know REAL N*GGASHAPPEN to LOVE IT”

—SHAWN CARTER(BILLIONAIRE)

♪ ns was dreaming once I composed this ♪♪ forgive me if that goes astray ♪♪ yet when i woke increase this morning ♪♪ Could’ve sworn it was referee Day ♪♪ sky was all violet ♪♪There were people running anywhere ♪

And this is the bar the the whole song. Prince say…

♪ trying to operation from my destruction ♪♪ You understand I didn’t even treatment ♪

Good civilization of Atlanta, we need to never forget… the Anthony Bourdain… Yeah! …killed himself. Anthony Bourdain had actually the best job that show company ever produced. This n ns g g a flew about the world… …and ate delicious meals with impressive people. That man with that job hung self in a deluxe suite in France.

♪ They to speak 2000-zero-zero ♪♪ Party over, oops, out of time ♪♪ So, tonight I’m gonna party ♪♪ choose it’s 1999 ♪

I knew a n ns g g a in high college that was an urban genius. This motherfucker’s qualities was therefore good, he obtained all the method from the hood come an Ivy organization school with a full scholarship. Native there, the motherfucker obtained himself into one the the best law schools in the country. And also when he to be in legislation school, he met a woman and they dropped in love. And they to be gonna gain married. I remember him informing me around it. He was house for Christmas, and I called him, i said, “My man, mine man… conserve that bitch for late in her life.”

But he’s in love. That didn’t hear to me. The married her while he to be in law school, and sadly, they obtained divorced, if he to be in law school. He to be a street n ns g g a indigenous the hood. This man had actually nothing… and that bitch took fifty percent of that. And then, I just never saw him again for years, and also then, two years ago, i was residence in DC doing some shoppin’, tryin’ to buy mine sons some socks at Foot Locker. I go to Foot Locker. Guess: v who’s the manager? the n ns g g a. Dressed choose a referee, the totality shit. This motherfucker is 45 years old! we went the end drinking that night simply tryin’ to record up, and… and he called me. He said he’s to be living v his mother for, like, ten years, simply trying to get back on his feet.

But that’s no the suggest of the story. The allude of the story is… never occurred to this n ns g g a to kill himself. He’s alive and also well in D.C. Ns even argued to him the he should shot it out. Like, “I don’t know, maybe…”

Nobody’s life is perfect. No issue what it looks favor from the outside, friend don’t recognize what the fuck’s walk on inside. I have a an excellent life, however it’s no a perfect life, but it’s good. It’s… mine shit’s prefer an above ground pool. You ever before seen among them? It’s a pool.

So, in the spirit, this evening I believed I’d begin my present a small differently. Tonight I’m gonna perform something the I’m no particularly great at yet that I like to do. Tonight I’m gonna shot some impressions out. Ns only acquired two. Aight, the very first impression’s kind of dumb, yet I choose it. This… This is mine impression, girlfriend ready? This is mine impression… the the establishing Fathers of America… as soon as the Constitution was being written. Girlfriend ready? here it goes. Hurry up and finish the Constitution, n i g g e r. I’m trying to gain some sleep. It’s no bad, right?

All right, the following one… The next one’s a small harder. I desire to view if you can guess that it is I’m law an impression of. All right? allow me gain into character. Girlfriend gotta guess who it is, though. Okay, here it goes. Uh, duh. Hey! Durr! If you do anything not correct in her life, duh, and I discover out around it, I’m gonna try to take whatever away native you, and also I don’t treatment when I uncover out. Could be today, tomorrow, 15, two decades from now. If I uncover out, you’re fucking-duh-finished.

– Trump.


– Who… Who’s that?

– Trump

– Trump.

That’s YOU! That’s what the audience sounds choose to me. That’s why ns don’t it is in coming out doing comedy all the time, ’cause y’all n ns g g a s is the worst motherfuckers I’ve ever before tried to game in mine FUCKING life.

Ugh. I’m goddamn ailing of it. This is the worst time ever to it is in a celebrity. You’re gonna it is in finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead because that ten years and this n ns g g a has two brand-new cases. And also if friend haven’t watched the documentary… uh, then I’m begging you, don’t clock it. It’s fucking gross. Ns felt choose HBO to be sticking infant dicks in my ear for four hours straight. Really nasty shit. Ns don’t desire to recognize all this things. Transforms out, uh, Michael Jackson accused likes a long gander in ~ the anus. They said he stares at people’s buttholes. That’s what castle said. That’s just how gross the documentary was.

I’m gonna say something the I’m not allowed to say. However I gotta it is in real. Uh… ns don’t think these motherfuckers. I do not think them. But… allow me qualify the statement. I… i am what’s recognized on the streets as a victim blamer. You recognize what i mean? If someone come up to me like, “Dave, Dave, kris Brown just beat increase Rihanna.” I’ll be like, “Well, what did she do?” “Dave, Michael Jackson to be molesting children.” “Well, what to be those children wearing in ~ the time?”

I don’t think the did it. Yet you know what? also if that did do it… You recognize what i mean? You recognize what ns mean? Eh… i mean, it’s Michael Jackson. I know much more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives. However it wasn’t no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it? This kid acquired his cock sucked by the King the Pop. All we acquire is aer Thanksgivings for the remainder of our lives.

You recognize how good it must’ve feel to walk to institution the next day after that shit? “Hey, Billy, exactly how was the weekend?” “How was my weekend? Michael Jackson sucked my dick! and also that to be my an initial sexual experience. If I’m beginning here, then sky’s the limit!”

I know it seems harsh, but, man, somebody’s gotta teach these kids. There’s no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii. He’s gonna want to watch at your butthole or something.

You recognize why i don’t think it? You know why i don’t believe it? because if Michael Jackson’s out right here doing every this molesting, then– then why no Macaulay Culkin? Hmm? macauleay Culkin stated in an interview that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate v him or even about him. Think about that shit. You know… I’m no a pedophile. Yet if ns was… macacayy Culkin’s the an initial kid I’m fucking, I’ll tell girlfriend that right now. I’d be a goddamn hero. “Hey, that man over over there fucked the boy from Home Alone. And also you know how hard he is come catch.”

♪ mine mind’s informing me, “No” ♪

– Oh! R. Kelly!

Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. Ns mean, friend know, if I’m a bettin’ man, I’m gonna put my money ~ above “He probably did that shit.” I’m pretty certain he did the shit. Friend know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago, ns was act a display in Detroit. And I’m sit backstage in my dressing room and also a friend of mine come by, this chick, Dream Hampton. Dream, uh, tells me, right prior to I’m walk on stage, she goes, “Dave, I’m functioning on a documentary around R. Kelly. “Would you like to be in it?” and also I was like, “Nah, bitch, I’m cool.”

I went onstage, I simply forgot around the shit, and also then 2 years later, the documentary come out, Surviving R. Kelly. And when it comes out, Dream’s promotin’ shit and also she keeps pass me up. She said, “I inquiry Dave Chappelle to it is in in mine documentary, and also he claimed it was too warm for TV.” Bitch, i did no say that. That does not even sound like how I talk. “Oh, that’s too hot for TV.” i would never ever say that shit.

But I’m gonna tell you men why i wasn’t in the documentary. It’s a very straightforward reason, and, uh, ns cannot tension this suggest enough. The just reason that ns didn’t carry out it was because, and this is an extremely important… i don’t recognize this n i g g a at all! i don’t understand anything! ns don’t understand anything that they don’t call me about. I don’t hang out through this n i g g a. Nothing. So what the fuck perform I gained to be in the documentary for?

This guy, R. Kelly, got one more sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This man makes much more sex tapes 보다 he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. “Another one.” Like, damn, n ns g g a! That’s a most tapes. The new one’s so poor that castle didn’t even present it. I’ve never seen anything favor this. The prosecutor in Chicago come out in a push conference and read come the media a transcript the a sex tape. Have you ever before heard of such a thing? This n i g g a read the sex tape. And it to be so bad that R. Kelly sound guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s period was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ she like, “Yeah, this is the ideal 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in mine life.” She to be like, “You choose this 14-year-old pussy?” Like, “Oh, yeah, i love this.” I’m like, “Man, you need to shut the fuck up.” friend gotta give your lawyer something to work with. You claimed to be on the tape like, “This is the best… 36-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in mine life.” Then your lawyer can be like, “Your Honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36, together he discussed some 16 times in the tape.”

They gonna recognize you lying, though, you know what ns mean. Everyone knows… no such point as great 36-year-old pussy. Doesn’t matter what ns say. And also if you at home watching this shit on Netflix, remember, bitch, friend clicked on my face.

Celebrity searching season. Doesn’t issue what i say, they’re walking to gain everybody eventually. Like, look, ns don’t think i did something wrong, but… but we’ll see. They also got bad Kevin Hart. Have the right to you imagine together a thing? Kevin Hart, allow me tell you something. It was… It was Kevin Hart’s dream to hold the Oscars. That’s what that told me. And I remember once he said me, ’cause i was thinking to myself, “Well, that’s one awfully weird dream for an african American.” What kind of n ns g g a desires of hosting the Oscars? Kevin did, that’s who. And also he go it. Against all the odds, Kevin ended up being the most renowned comedian this civilization has ever before seen, and he acquired the job that only one black man prior to him had had. He was gonna organize the 80th Oscars.

And ns don’t know what friend know about Kevin, but I understand Kevin Hart is damn close to perfect. As close come perfect as anybody I’ve ever before seen. In fact, Kevin is precisely four tweets embarrassy of gift perfect. Ten year ago, Kevin had made some very homophobic comments. And also I’m no gonna repeat what that said… since this is Atlanta. You understand what i mean. I’m certain there’s a most gay men here tonight… through their wives. Far be the from me to violation anybody.

All right, I’ll tell girlfriend what he said. However just remember, these space not my words. These were Kevin’s words. And also it to be a lengthy time ago. And I’m paraphrasing, ’cause I’m not great at telling other people’s jokes. Okay, Kevin said… that if his small son was demonstrating or-or-or exhibiting, uh, homosexual behavior approximately the house, that he’d chastise him. He’d say, “Hey, that’s gay.” and also then he claimed he would smash a dollhouse over that child’s head.

Ooh, the gay neighborhood was furious. And also I don’t blame ’em. I gained a the majority of gay friends. And all of them, 100% that them, all have told me fuckin’ fear stories around the shit they had actually to go through just to it is in themselves. Crazy, crazy stories. And in every those stories, i gotta say, not one of them has ever before mentioned something like… your father wrecking a fucking dollhouse over their head. ‘Cause, clearly, Kevin to be joking. Think about it. Girlfriend would have to buy this n ns g g a a dollhouse to rest it end his head in the first place. Does that sound right? Is everyone gonna perform that?

The gay community was upset, and then they placed so much pressure ~ above the Academy of activity Pictures and Sciences that they visited Kevin and said, “If you don’t apologize to that community, climate you cannot organize these Oscars.” and also then Kevin said, “Fuck it, i quit.” and also then he went top top every talk display in America and also apologized for six weeks.

Kevin fucked up. I understand the mistake the made since I’ve made the exact same mistake at an early stage in mine career. This is plenty of years ago, 15 year ago. That was once I was doing Chappelle’s Show. There’s a– give thanks to you. Thank you. On network television, they have a room that’s dubbed Standards and Practices. This is the department that tells girlfriend what girlfriend can and cannot say on television. And also if you’re act your project well, you must never hear native ’em. But if you’re making Chappelle’s Show, you’ll hear from this motherfuckers all the time.

See more: These Cat Ears That Move With Your Emotions, Necomimi Products For Sale

And remember, this to be 15 year ago. Ns made a mistake. I didn’t also know I’d done anything wrong. I had actually written a sketch… that had the word… “f a g g o t” in it. Therefore I had to go to Standards and Practices. They speak to me up. I don’t recognize why they’re calling me, however I like the lady the runs the department. She’s typically really fair and also was one of my favorite human being I’ve ever before worked with. Therefore she sit me down. We have a nice conversation. She tells me, “Oh, the sketches space great.” ns go, “Oh, fantastic. Well, then… well, then, why am i here?” She said, “Because, David, there’s no way… the you can ever before say the word… “f a g g o t” on our network.

I didn’t know I did anything wrong. Ns didn’t try to defend myself. Ns said, “All right. Posesthe it, I’ll take it it out. Have a great afternoon.” and also as ns was leaving, it emerged to me. “Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. It’s simply a question. Seriously, ns wanna know. Like, wh-why is it… why is it that… that I can say words “n ns g g e r” with impunity… …but ns can’t say words “f a g g o t”?” and she said, “Because, David, you are not gay.” i said, “Well, Renée… I’m no a n ns g g e r either.”